Sometimes it's just one of those lives.......

Believe it or not, I used to be a really optimistic person. I KNEW I'd be able to figure out a solution to any problem that had the nerve to cross my path, that I'd soon have life running smoothly again. I had bumps along the way, just like anyone else, but the bumps didn't really shake my faith in my ability to fix whatever came my way. But, following the divorce, the ex trying to get custody of my boys, and most of all my disability that left me unable to work, and effectively took away a large part of my identity, and I'd be the first to admit that my outlook on life just isn't as cheerful as it used to be.

But every now and then, out of the blue, someone reaches past this newly formed pessimistic shield of mine and makes me feel genuinely happy. Brings a real smile when one is needed the most. And usually it probably seems like a small thing to the giver, but believe me when I say it's huge from where I sit.

A friend of mine from Rav, a swap partner, sent me a package that has made my day and probably the best smile I'll find for several weeks. Part of the swap was to be a "softie" , a small stuffed item, either bought or made. And I don't know what hand of divine providence put the wheels in motion, but she made for me the very softie I would have chosen if given a choice, and out of yarn that I really love! Meet my alpaca. There were lots of other goodies included in the package (which made it's way to me from Belgium!). There was a skein of lovely robin's egg blue yarn, some super cool pens, several nifty notepads and cards and candy. Yeah for candy! The candy didn't make it into the pix, but then, it seldom does, lol! I'll be sending my package to my very thoughtful partner this weekend, and can only hope she likes it half as much as I love mine. If she does, it will be a great success.

To get stronger......

At this point in my life I find myself with a lot more problems, both physical and mental than I ever expected to have. I'm still adjusting, still mourning my former life a bit, and I worry a bit about the future. And it's to this end that I'm starting physical therapy. I keep falling, which is bad enough, and then there's the landing which is even worse. The bruises are horrible, but the worst part is not being able to get back up by myself, arghhh! So I'm starting therapy to help my balance and hopefully increase my strength. The fun part is it's in a nice, warm swimming pool! I've had my first session, and I can tell I've used muscles that haven't been used in ages. A little sore in a lot of places. This is the therapy pool.

Forward progress?

I spent the past year making squares for the Baker's Dozen group on Ravelry, and I feel like I've really improved my skills and learned quite a lot. But I know I've got so much to learn! I've been on a kick recently buying knitting books, pattern books, stitch books, just about everything. And I've found some really great ones. Probably my favorite right now is 10 Secrets of the Laidback Knitters by Vicki Stiefel and Lisa Souza. Check out www.knitpicks.com My favorite place to buy knitting stuff, and they're having a book sale! A terrific book for the beginning knitter and for the more experienced as well. I've always felt that the journey of knitting the project is as least as important as the finished project. This book takes knitting and leads you on a journey of discovery into the aspects of knitting that other books don't touch on. It encourages you to look at knitting from another point of view, one that I found fascinating. I would recommend this book to anyone.

Patterns are just suggestions!

I'm working on a cardigan for my Mom. I started it over a year ago, planning to give to her for her birthday last April. Then I thought maybe I'd give it to her for Mother's Day. Didn't happen, arghhh! I got really busy with other knitting projects, but always in the back of my mind was the thought that I would certainly finish the sweater for her birthday this year. sigh Didn't happen. I didn't get to go and see her for Mother's day, but I am going to a family get together in a week, maybe I still have time?

My biggest problem with this sweater was that although I liked the sweater, there were some parts I just wasn't satisfied with. So, of course, I had to change them. I can't think of many patterns I've used over the years that I haven't changed in some way. Considering all the frogging I did on the sweater before I was happy with it, I probably could have had it done a long time ago! Oh well, if it turns out well, it fits her and she likes it, all the time and frogging will have been worth the effort.

A Whole New Rollercoaster

Well, here we are on a whole new rollercoaster. I have a feeling this one will be even worse than what I've already been on with my health. I will go along for a few days, maintaining my calm and then I find myself crying my eyes out. I'm trying to take control of my emotions and reactions by becoming as informed as possible and finding support groups that I can lean on. One I've found recently is the Blue Star Mothers, this is made up of mothers of soldiers. I even found a local chapter fairly close to where I live, which is great. Their website is at: http://www.bluestarmothers.org My boys are all trying to help me, I can tell they are a little worried about me. I heard one whispering to Mike, "Go answer Mom's questions" when I was saying something about needing answers to questions about what was going to happen, etc. I'm really lucky to have such great boys.

Waiting for the next shoe to drop......

I've been trying, really, to be positive. It's hard. I don't mean to whine, but there's always a reminder that my life is not anything like what it used to be. I know I'm like many others, and that there are many others who have it much worse than I. But sometimes it's really hard to keep that in mind. I had someone tell me recently that I'm still in mourning for the life I had before I became disabled, and I think they are right. The problem is that there is always a new diagnosis or earth shaking event happening that makes it hard to get out of the mourning and onto the healing process. Most recently, in the space of about a week and a half I found out that the reason I've been falling down and having balance problems is I have neuropathy in both feet, as well as carpal tunnel syndrome in my left wrist. At this point there's not a thing that can be done about either, but I will be stepping up my search for a really cool cane. Two days later I visited my Rheumatologist, and found out I have fibromyalgia, and apparently have had it for some time, she just forgot to tell me. And then this week, my youngest boy signed up for the Marines, to go for basic training this Oct. after he graduates from high school. I knew he would join, I know my boy well enough to know it was pretty much inevitable. And I'll stand behind him all the way, but still can't help just a little bit of panic every time I think about it.

So my solution will be to knit. I need something desperately to take my mind off of these new blows, and the thought that more than likely there are more coming. I've got some knitting to finish for a swap, and then I'm taking a break and finishing some things for my family and to make something just for me! I've been downloading patterns and I've got yarn piled everywhere, my stash is fairly overwhelming. I want to try my hand at designing patterns, too. I very seldom make a pattern exactly like it's written, so it occurs to me I should try making one of my own. If I show a talent for it, maybe it will give me a direction to take my life to start healing.

Squares, squares, and more squares!

I'm coming to the end of the year of square swapping I've been doing with the Baker's Dozen Group on Ravelry. It was really difficult to keep up at the end of the year, but I'm caught back up and the swapping will end in March. I'm almost done with the second Feb. square, was going to do one thing, but then decided to go with something totally different. The new square is going well and I hope to have it out by Monday. I think I've learned a lot about knitting this past year and my skills have really grown, and I've enjoyed the swap, but I must admit I'll be glad to be done. I've got quite a few projects that are started, but far from done. Here are some squares I've finished for my two BD Groups.



I have to say I'm going to try to hold off starting any new swaps, etc, until I've finished Mom's birthday sweater, the top for Emily, and a few other things. I'd really like to start something for myself, I've been stashing yarn as well as patterns for something for myself, would love to get started. Here's a few new yarns I've been gathering for me:)

Gotta love yarn destashers!

When I signed into Ravelry today I found a post from a lady who is de-stashing some of her yarns. And they are some really lovely yarns. Her prices are more than reasonable and the yarns are of great quality including some very nice Knit Picks yarns that I'm hoping to buy. You can find her at Alaskan Purl. But you should probably check soon, I doubt they will last long.