Sometimes it's just one of those lives.......

Believe it or not, I used to be a really optimistic person. I KNEW I'd be able to figure out a solution to any problem that had the nerve to cross my path, that I'd soon have life running smoothly again. I had bumps along the way, just like anyone else, but the bumps didn't really shake my faith in my ability to fix whatever came my way. But, following the divorce, the ex trying to get custody of my boys, and most of all my disability that left me unable to work, and effectively took away a large part of my identity, and I'd be the first to admit that my outlook on life just isn't as cheerful as it used to be.

But every now and then, out of the blue, someone reaches past this newly formed pessimistic shield of mine and makes me feel genuinely happy. Brings a real smile when one is needed the most. And usually it probably seems like a small thing to the giver, but believe me when I say it's huge from where I sit.

A friend of mine from Rav, a swap partner, sent me a package that has made my day and probably the best smile I'll find for several weeks. Part of the swap was to be a "softie" , a small stuffed item, either bought or made. And I don't know what hand of divine providence put the wheels in motion, but she made for me the very softie I would have chosen if given a choice, and out of yarn that I really love! Meet my alpaca. There were lots of other goodies included in the package (which made it's way to me from Belgium!). There was a skein of lovely robin's egg blue yarn, some super cool pens, several nifty notepads and cards and candy. Yeah for candy! The candy didn't make it into the pix, but then, it seldom does, lol! I'll be sending my package to my very thoughtful partner this weekend, and can only hope she likes it half as much as I love mine. If she does, it will be a great success.

How to Survive With Your Mind (Mostly) Intact

I think the thing that is most important is to keep your mind busy, even if you can't do much physically. I was unable to move about much, so I turned to crocheting, something I've been doing since I was a child. I made blankets, lots of BIG blankets, for my sons, my Mom, my brother, etc. I'm talking blankets so big they covered my 6'2" sons from head to toe with room left over to tuck the blanket in on both ends. I let them choose their own colors and I think that the colors they chose where really interesting. It was really fun to see their interest grow as their blanket got closer and closer to completion. And it is very gratifying to know that their blankets are always on their beds, except when they want a blanket downstairs to cuddle under while they watch a movie. After I had made blankets for most of my family, I started to think about knitting. I'd wanted to try it for some time, but of course with work, I'd never found the time. But now, with all this time on my hands, I thought why not? I found a web site www.lionbrand.com that has very extensive and easy to understand instructions with clear illustrations, bought a kit that was titled, "I can't believe I'm knitting!" from my local Walmart, and some yarn, and then I was on my way. Just a matter of keeping mind and hands busy together.

Okay, here it is, my first blog! (Not sure if I should laugh or cry)

I've got to admit, I never thought I'd be a "blogger". I've never had anything against the idea, just didn't think it was for me. But as the title of my blog says, I needed something to help me keep my sanity. My life had gone along pretty well for the first 30 years. Good childhood, met and married what seemed like a good steady guy, had 3 great boys and even went back to school and got an education (I'm an RN). But somewhere along the way, my life became a soap opera. My husband started cheating on me with my brother's wife (honest!), and as he obviously liked variety, he checked out a few other married women. So fast forward a few months, and he finally moves out of the house, on Father's Day! But life did go on, and after some adjustment, I found out that my boys and I were actually happier without him living with us. We settled back down, I kept working (thank goodness for that education!), and of course taking care of my boys. Fast forward a few years, and I find out that my oldest son is not just depressed, but is bipolar. While this did explain so much about the problems the poor kid was having, it was still a pretty traumatic event for us. But again, we hung in there, adjusted some more, my son took his meds and life evened back out. Now along the way, and I can't imagine a woman out there who would not understand this, my weight kept climbing. I had gestational diabetes with two of my pregnancies, and was told then that I would probably become diabetic within 10 years. The prediction was unfortunately accurate, and so I added diabetes to the growing list of health problems associated with obesity that I already had such as high blood pressure, and sleep apnea. Fast forward again to 2005. I start having this lovely happening after meals: if I stood up or was too active after meals, I would throw up, repeatedly, until it was only dry heaves. Needless to say, not something I wanted to keep doing. After a false diagnosis at my small local hospital, I finally found out I had a large ventral hernia. For the hernia repair surgery to be successful, I needed to loose weight. I weighed 425 pounds at the time. My insurance, of course, wouldn't pay for gastric bypass surgery. I finally meet a surgeon who agreed to do the hernia repair, and to basically "throw" the gastric bypass in for free. But, as we all know, things could not possibly go smoothly. A week after surgery, although I was having no problems as far at the gastric bypass surgery is concerned, I started to notice an odor, sort of like rotted broccoli, around my wound. Yup, major wound infection that leads to the wound, which stretches from sternum to pelvis, being reopened and debrided. Then the wound was left open to heal from the inside out. The wound required dressing changes (long, complex, tiring, painful) twice a day. Before I had the surgery I had been working for a home health agency, so of course they are the ones I had called in to take care of me. Only problem--my home health agency was not covered by the insurance I had through that home health agency as an employee! Believe me, was confusing to me, also. By the time I learned this, the nurses had been coming out a week, and I found out that I was going to have to pay for all that time out of my pocket. Eventually, once I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to work anytime in the near future, I had to resign my position at the home health agency and apply for Medicaid and my nurses and supplies were again covered. Okay, fast forward again, to a year later, fall of 2006. I get to have another hernia repair, this one more permanent as I had lost 125 pounds. But guess what? The first surgery wasn't just a fluke--I again end up with wound infections and a huge abscess that led to 3 other surgeries. It again took a year for the huge, gaping wound to heal, then in the fall of 2007, a plastic surgeon takes off 18 pounds of excess skin from my abdomen, the loose skin from where I had lost weight. Unfortunately, I still had trouble healing, but at least that time, it's a more closed wound and not nearly as large, so I could at least handle the dressing changes alone. But I was also left to deal with chronic pain that the surgeons think is due to scar tissue from the many surgeries. And to make life even better, I learned that perhaps I'm not just depressed, I'm also bipolar, and all these stressful events over the past few years have brought it out. So I got to add some more medicine to my already overcrowded medicine box, and just wait to see what the next even will be in my soap opera life. To make it through all this, and to keep my hands and mind busy, I had to find something that I could do while recovering. (Next blog: what I've done with my time over the past few years, since I'm still unable to work, and no, I haven't turned to a life of crime)