I've been trying, really, to be positive. It's hard. I don't mean to whine, but there's always a reminder that my life is not anything like what it used to be. I know I'm like many others, and that there are many others who have it much worse than I. But sometimes it's really hard to keep that in mind. I had someone tell me recently that I'm still in mourning for the life I had before I became disabled, and I think they are right. The problem is that there is always a new diagnosis or earth shaking event happening that makes it hard to get out of the mourning and onto the healing process. Most recently, in the space of about a week and a half I found out that the reason I've been falling down and having balance problems is I have neuropathy in both feet, as well as carpal tunnel syndrome in my left wrist. At this point there's not a thing that can be done about either, but I will be stepping up my search for a really cool cane. Two days later I visited my Rheumatologist, and found out I have fibromyalgia, and apparently have had it for some time, she just forgot to tell me. And then this week, my youngest boy signed up for the Marines, to go for basic training this Oct. after he graduates from high school. I knew he would join, I know my boy well enough to know it was pretty much inevitable. And I'll stand behind him all the way, but still can't help just a little bit of panic every time I think about it.
So my solution will be to knit. I need something desperately to take my mind off of these new blows, and the thought that more than likely there are more coming. I've got some knitting to finish for a swap, and then I'm taking a break and finishing some things for my family and to make something just for me! I've been downloading patterns and I've got yarn piled everywhere, my stash is fairly overwhelming. I want to try my hand at designing patterns, too. I very seldom make a pattern exactly like it's written, so it occurs to me I should try making one of my own. If I show a talent for it, maybe it will give me a direction to take my life to start healing.
Sheila, I followed your RAK Wish List on Rav to come read your blog. This blog post really made me cry. I feel SO much the same way. How I long for the life I used to have, going places and doing things and feeling healthy. Also like you, it seems like just when you manage to pick yourself up and start to get adjusted to life the doctor finds something else wrong with you or you hear some bad news that knocks you right over again. I finally thought I was starting to feel like a human again and yesterday our grown son called with some bad news that I can't even bear to write down yet it upsets me so much. Now, I feel anxious and vulnerable all over again. Sometimes, I'd like to run away from myself. Knitting is my solace as well. Sometimes, I feel too upset to even knit though. Thank you for lighting a candle for me as a RAK on Rav, I shall be a regular reader of your blog.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to send you some extra hugs. Sounds like you can use them and accept them easily enough. I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with the fact that your son will be leaving so soon after graduation with such a big step in his life. I wanted to say THANK YOU for supporting him in his decision, and thank you to him for wanting to serve his country. I hope that you are able to find some peace, very soon, with everything that is going on in your life. I have found that when I really don't want to crochet or needle felt that is the time I really should do it. I don't always listen to "myself" though. Sending you lots of laughter, smiles and hugs. Please take good care of you!
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